Archive for writing

The long and winding road

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 18, 2010 by ana

The cold, the flu, whatever it is continues. I have the chills, my body aches and my head feels like a balloon full of helium. My heart and mind are more confused than ever. There are pockets of lightness and pockets of depression. I feel paralyzed today. Maybe the staying in bed is making everything come to the surface.

I’m so confused. Last Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I had a three hour cryfest in my car while driving around, parking, and driving around some more and parking again. The streets were quiet, empty, except for the lone dog-walker or car. It was peaceful and some of the houses were already decked in Christmas lights. It was a painful, heart breaking conversation, meant to be a break up in my part but now it seems we are in yet another limbo. I have been here before the conversational part of a break up, the bleeding heart, the weepy confessionals.

It was supposed to be a break up, a period but instead it was a dot, dot, dot. His words not mine. I feel that I fell into a boy trap to the tune of Kim Wilde’s You Keep Me Hangin’ On. I can’t even begin to sum up the conversation I was so caught up in a delirium of tears but two things he said keep ringing in my head-I feel like an asshole and later those six years were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Me too, which is why it’s so weird to be here now-distraught and confused pushing forward trying to figure out where to land.

I can’t wait to go home for Christmas to break away and get a little clarity. I’m carving a new adventure. My dad keeps saying he wants to open a bakery/deli. I could come home and do that, that would be an adventure but it would also be giving up on dreams I have been working really hard on. I long to be home. I long to be based there but not trapped there. I long to find my true calling. Is it running a wonderful bakery with my dad? I love to cook. I love to entertain. Is it here? Pursuing acting, writing. Would I be happy raising a family so far away from mine?

I have explored so many different things that interest me but have never settled on one. I have tried my hand at photography,set decorating, food writing, dabbled in food styling, beauty writing. Then there have been all the odd jobs in between. When I started studying acting and going on auditions I promised myself that I would stick with it no matter what.

Why have I always had such a wandering soul? A wandering soul that always looks for a home. I’m envious of people who feel happy and settled. I’m envious of people whose careers have them going lots of places, doing lots of things. I want to suck the marrow out of life but have somehow never figured out how.

What is my answer? Another day goes by and my answers seem distant.
A few emails with my ex-boyfriend this afternoon have left my eyes swollen. I’m calling it. It is done. If only I had been more christian and him less religious and more spiritual. Something else must be in store but for now I’m just simply overwhelmed.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 3, 2010 by ana

Last night I shot a commercial. It was so much fun to be on set, to get your hair and makeup done and be someone else for a little bit. We wrapped at 3 am, and although I was tired I couldn’t fall asleep until 5. I was so wired. Because my spirits where high when I went to sleep I thought I would wake up feeling light and like my old self again but I didn’t. I felt a little sad and confused about all my romantic stuff, and like I didn’t get enough sleep. I also felt joyful and excited about the commercial. Isn’t it funny that we can be so many emotions at once. Almost like a recipe- 1 tablespoon of doleful, 2 teaspoons of delight, 1/4 cup of hope, and a pinch of lonesome.

It should come as no surprise that I’m fascinated by people who found their bliss late in life. They give me hope that I too will find my voice in it’s full grace. Yesterday, Julie & Julia was on TV. The movie didn’t do much for me in the theater, but on TV it was different. Don’t you find that sometimes certain movies transform into something else when you watch them at home?
This time around I really could relate to Amy Adam’s Julie Powell. A long time ago someone gave me the Julie/Julia book as a gift but I couldn’t get into it. I now have no idea were it is, which is a shame because now I’m interested. Now I realize that we have something in common, and that maybe there is something I can learn from her. She was where I am-lost and searching. I went looking for her blog and came across this paragraph in an entry she wrote on the day that Julia Childs passed away.

Julia Child began learning to cook when she was thirty-seven years
old. She started because she wanted to feed her husband Paul. She
started because though she’d fallen in love with great food late, when
she did she’d fallen hard. She started because she was in Paris. She
started because she didn’t know what else to do.

Who knows how it happens, how you come upon your essential gift? For
this was hers. Not the cooking itself so much – lots of people cook
better than Julia. Not even the recipes – others can write recipes.
What was Julia’s true gift, then? She certainly had enormous energy,
and that was a sort of gift, if a genetic one – perhaps the one thing
about her you can pin down on the luck of the draw. She was a great
teacher, certainly – funny, and generous, and enthusiastic, with so
much over brimming confidence that she had nothing to do with the
surplus but start doling it out to others. But she also had a great
gift for learning. Perhaps that was the talent she discovered in
herself at the age of 37, at the Cordon Bleu School in Paris – the
thirst to keep finding out, the openness to experience that makes life
worth living.

Sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, I hold myself back, I judge my worth and that of my work-the writing, the acting, the photographs, the collages, and I expect too much from it right away. It has always been that way since my art school days. One of the very first things I learned in acting class is that you can never judge the character. Instead of judging them you have to find their humanity. I judge my writing. I judge my performances specially the ones in class. I never give myself the chance, the time, the space for my gifts to reveal themselves. I get scared. I run away. I don’t want to be like that anymore, which is in part why I started writing this blog, to see what part of me gets collected in the day to day writing, to see what it ends up being about. Is it about relationships? Is it about finding my voice? I’m not sure yet what it will end up being about. But it’s about me. It is about showing up and hopefully finding that being true to the work, without judging, will give me a path, something more than the sum of its parts.

Letting go

Posted in 37 with tags , on October 21, 2010 by ana

I love my apartment. I look around and I can’t believe how spacious it is. I love the molding, the many different rooms. For six years I lived in a really cute studio. It had a lot of really great pros- a park right in front of the building, a huge closet, and one of my best friends living down the hall but it was small-dorm room small, hotel room small.

Sometimes, I think what will happen to this apartment if my boyfriend and I can’t resolve our differences. Would I stay? Would I want to? We’ve set it up together. I want to live here with him! But there are many signs that point to break-up. Just like there are many signs that point to hope. That underlying feeling of unease, of tears at the brink, is always there. Less this week because I have been trying to focus on finding the positive and feeling a little more bliss.

If we break up, I know I will be distraught, yet I suspect there will be a feeling of relief. If we can figure out our differences then I will be happy and I suspect more in love and stronger than ever. Which will it be? No one knows yet. I may end up being up to me. I may have to leave if things don’t start resolving themselves. I want a baby, not this second but soon.

Yesterday I decided to just let it go- the worry, the clinging to sorrow. Tuesday night I went to a lecture with a friend. A metaphysical, spiritual lecture the kind that particularly appeals to the people of this city. One of the things that really resonated with me that night was to just ask for help. To just take your problem, put it on a shelf, on an altar of sorts, and then just ask the heavens, the universe, your higher self for help. I can’t figure out where this relationship is going today or tomorrow. The fact that I need to figure it out soon fools me into thinking that I need to figure it out today but I don’t. It doesn’t mean I can’t be sad. It doesn’t mean I can’t tuck myself away for a few minutes in the storage closet at work and breath or cry. I don’t need the answer today. And the answer that I do need I already have-I have to love me.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I will be driving up north to visit one of my best friends. I’m really looking forward to the solitary drive. I love to drive specially when there is no traffic and you can just go. It helps me think. I had planned on buying myself a Vivienne Westwood wallet for my birthday but it’s out of stock. Just as well, I shouldn’t be spending money on things I down really need right now. Then it dawned on me, this is my birthday gift. This is what I really need. Writing this blog, taking the time everyday, that is the best birthday gift I can give myself.