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“She must find a boat and sail in it. No guarantee of shore. Only a conviction that what she wanted could exist, if she dared to find it.” ― Jeanette Winterson

Posted in paris with tags , , on June 3, 2012 by ana

Because my life isn’t very structured at the moment time feels like it’s moving at a different speed than usual. Things that happened four weeks ago feel like they happened months and months ago. Even things that happened a week ago seems further away than usual. This leaves me with the sensation that I have been feeling one particular way or another for a long time when in reality it has only been a short while.

I’m on a plane flying back to LA for Stevie’s wedding. I’ve been in Paris three months now. It feels like I have been there longer and at the same time this trip, which once felt so far away, arrived quickly and just when it was needed. It’s been a long time since I’ve lived like a student. The last month was intense. I feel neglected. I desperately need a haircut, a mani/pedi, and a scrub at a Korean spa. But that’s not the only way I feel neglected. I have been excessive and have neglected myself. Today, at the airport, I realized how much that excessiveness undermines my confidence.

It’s time to really dive into my life in Paris. This trip home feels like a perfectly timed interlude. So, lets just say these last three months were the prologue. I have seen and explored a bit of Paris but I need to do more. I need to drink the city in. Not literally, as I have been doing but indulging in its beauty and magic. It is time to make Paris my home.

Last week I went to see the Eva Besnyo exhibit at Jeu de Paume. Coming in from the Paris heat, into the cool and quiet space that smelled of traces of glue and wall paint, I remembered how often museums have felt to me like a church.  Specially if you find yourself alone in a room taking in something that speaks to you. As I walked through the rooms looking at her photographs I realized that until recently I had never taken a picture because I was seeing something. Most of the photographs I’ve taken I have taken with my my head more than my eyes.

After Eve Besnyo, I went upstairs and looked at some videos by Laurent Grasso. I thought the two exhibits played beautifully off each other. I sat in a room all by myself and watched a video about a hawk and its flight. I sat there and watched it twice and thought about the relationship between deep self-acceptance, inspiration, and expression. I sat there and thought about how beautiful and strange and difficult and lovely life is. I thought about the things I know I want in my life- a business, a baby, a man, and how the intense desire to expand creatively, to grow up creatively trumps all of it.

 

 

coffee ice cream w/ chocolate violet wafer

Posted in 38, notebooks & gluesticks with tags , , on November 2, 2011 by ana
   

For the last two months I’ve been making all the deserts at the restaurant where I work. The photograph above is of one of the first ice creams I made. Ice creams are my favorite thing to make. But in truth, I’m energized, inspired, and excited by all of it. Every time I bake I get better at it,  the learning curve is so high. Making desserts is an exercise in patience. Rushing or trying to make too many things at once always ends in disaster. And each and every time I’m amazed at how simple basic ingredients like eggs, milk, and sugar turn into delicious things rather magically with a whipping and some heat or freezing.

It almost seems a no brainer that I’m loving all the baking and ice cream making. I have always had a sweet tooth. I’ve never given making sweets too much thought because growing up I had so many conflicting messages about it, or perhaps because my last true attempt at baking, before this new chapter, resulted in me singeing half my eyebrows. It’s different now. I love having the empty restaurant all to myself and disappearing into the flour and sugar. I love watching basic ingredients turn into more than the sum of its parts. I find myself thinking of taste and texture more methodically and inquisitively. I think I am falling deeply in love.

Posted in notebooks & gluesticks with tags on August 9, 2011 by ana