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24/37

Posted in 37, family with tags , on April 28, 2011 by ana

It’s funny how arbitrary a mood can be. I woke up blue but after applying for a job that sounded really great my spirits immediately lifted. But then a little later this cloudy sadness draped itself over me. It’s so unpredictable. Something that I think will for sure make me sad will not even cause a stir, then something random will leave me devastated. It can be something as simple as remembering, while I’m peeing, the fancy trashcan I bought at Bed, Bath & Beyonce the week we moved into the new apartment. If I’m not diligent about moving away from a thought like that it can easily snowball. Sometimes I don’t even catch it until I’m already feeling sad.

It doesn’t even have to be about Leo. Sometimes I’ll feel sad, and envious, when I see my sister in the thralls of boy craziness, running off to go on tour with the boy she likes for a week, partying, and doing lots of impromptu revelry. And though I don’t exactly want to be 24 again or have the stamina I feel a pang of envy for the excitement she has right now. This is a pattern in my life. There are always slow, somewhat monastic periods and then there are periods where every second is filled. Those monastic moments, which are really not that pious, are always mostly annoying to me. I do love my alone time but I love it best amidst moments of business.

To be single at 37 after a long relationship feels odd to me. I’m not 30 anymore, my habits, my lifestyle, my interests have grown up while I was with somebody. I think it would be different if I had been single or in and out of relationships all along. This is a new world.  I’ve never been single as a woman. It shocks me how little I want to be running around painting the town red and also how I don’t know exactly how else to be single if not like that.

left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on December 2, 2010 by ana

I feel angry. I slept horribly last night. As is the case lately, I couldn’t fall asleep until late. I stayed up watching movies. An awful eighties surfing movie called North Shore. I remember watching this movie with my step-cousin when I was 14. Watching it made me think a lot about her. She’s been on my mind a lot lately because I always tell my sister stories of all the fun we used to have making up games and putting up skits as kids, and then later when we got older hanging out with boys that lived in my dad’s neighborhood. When my body finally fell asleep my mind didn’t quite shut-off. I kept telling myself to fall asleep. This used to happen to me all the time in High School, and I would wake up exhausted.

Yesterday I began to seriously move my stuff out of the apartment. It is so bizarre. I just pack as much as I can carry and try not to think about it too much. I feel lost in my life right now. I feel very little motivation. I just keep taking steps however small to take me through the day. Two days ago when I talked to my mom she said, when I was getting divorced I felt I was sinking in an ocean but I knew that the second my feet touched the ocean floor I would start swimming as fast as I could towards the surface.

Maybe my feet haven’t quite hit the surface. My mother’s other piece of advice when it comes to break ups also comes from her divorce. She told my dad at the very end something along the lines of-at this moment I still love you but when I turn around and walk away every step I take will be in the opposite direction. I love that. It was so strong of her. I know how hard it was.

If there is one thing that has come from all this is how much I’m loved and how much people want to help me. People have offered to help me move, to give me shelter, but I know that I must do the hardest part, the getting over it, all on my own. I feel it most when I come home late at night to a bed by myself. I have actually found it surprisingly easy to sleep alone. My new bed is cozy and it swallows me up. The hardest part is not having anyone to talk with late at night. It’s not every night that I miss that but when I do it hits me hard. Everyone is asleep and I’m alone, no longer with the man I loved. I don’t mind being alone it’s the not being able to talk about my day with someone at the end of the day. It’s the loss of a best friend. That’s what gets me.

I am so angry, even if intellectually understand that this break up is for the best. I don’t understand how you can love someone for 6 years and be so passive about them leaving. I feel that I fought for this relationship until it became clear that the man that I was with would never grow up. That he could compartmentalize his feelings while I was living the unraveling of our union. I moved out the day I couldn’t stand that disconnect anymore.

I miss my life terribly, even if at times I feel joy in this new life. I accept it. I accept things as they are but it pains me and it makes me so angry that he is so la-di-da about it all. Even if he says he feels a void, even when he says he is miserable his actions are otherwise. He never could go out of his way for me. Always his needs came first. I just want to type how much I hate him right now, even if that doesn’t seem quite right. I just want to scream and kick and at the same time I just wan to stay in bed forever.

But it’s the anger that I need to cling to. Even if in most respects I don’t hold a grudge. I really believe that things happen for a reason and in the end who we really are has been revealed. Even if I don’t know how I know I will come out of this better than I was before. Even if I can’t even see what my life will be like three months from now, I know I will end up exactly where I am meant to be. That is my faith.

And the anger that I feel right now will push me forward. The anger will heal me because this type of anger is really just love for myself.

Saturday morning chilly and gray

Posted in 37 with tags , on October 16, 2010 by ana

The alarms went off at 7:30 am because we both forgot to deactivate them. I can’t go back to sleep but I’m going to try again. The weather is perfect for being in bed. I’m always grateful for my bed.

Usually, mornings are rough for me. It hasn’t always been that way-just in the last couple of months. Yesterday was tough until I went to therapy. It was a good session. She said that all those feelings of self-worth were always there but being in a rocky place in my relationship was making everything come to the surface. Awakenings are painful, she said. I left feeling renewed but now I’ve gone back to feeling the way I did before I went.

I feel like I’m giving birth to myself. When I was kid I would look at pregnant women and think-there is no getting out of it. That terrified me. Want it or not, that baby was coming out. There was no changing your mind. No saying-I’m going to keep the baby in forever. Those women would all have to go through labor. I feel that way- want it or not this is what I have to go through. As painful as it feels this may be the most important threshold of my life so far.

This new beginning, this new crossing is the one that comes from figuring out why I hold myself back, why I don’t always show people who I am, and why I find myself in a relationship with a man that after six years isn’t sure whether he wants to commit or not.

This relationship will either thrive or wither. I love this man and he loves me but we are at a crossroad. At least I am. No matter how much I tell him I don’t think he knows he also is. I keep thinking once this is settled all this other stuff that’s coming up inside me will start to fall in to place.

It’s hard to make a decision. In so many ways we fit.