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The long and winding road

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 18, 2010 by ana

The cold, the flu, whatever it is continues. I have the chills, my body aches and my head feels like a balloon full of helium. My heart and mind are more confused than ever. There are pockets of lightness and pockets of depression. I feel paralyzed today. Maybe the staying in bed is making everything come to the surface.

I’m so confused. Last Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I had a three hour cryfest in my car while driving around, parking, and driving around some more and parking again. The streets were quiet, empty, except for the lone dog-walker or car. It was peaceful and some of the houses were already decked in Christmas lights. It was a painful, heart breaking conversation, meant to be a break up in my part but now it seems we are in yet another limbo. I have been here before the conversational part of a break up, the bleeding heart, the weepy confessionals.

It was supposed to be a break up, a period but instead it was a dot, dot, dot. His words not mine. I feel that I fell into a boy trap to the tune of Kim Wilde’s You Keep Me Hangin’ On. I can’t even begin to sum up the conversation I was so caught up in a delirium of tears but two things he said keep ringing in my head-I feel like an asshole and later those six years were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Me too, which is why it’s so weird to be here now-distraught and confused pushing forward trying to figure out where to land.

I can’t wait to go home for Christmas to break away and get a little clarity. I’m carving a new adventure. My dad keeps saying he wants to open a bakery/deli. I could come home and do that, that would be an adventure but it would also be giving up on dreams I have been working really hard on. I long to be home. I long to be based there but not trapped there. I long to find my true calling. Is it running a wonderful bakery with my dad? I love to cook. I love to entertain. Is it here? Pursuing acting, writing. Would I be happy raising a family so far away from mine?

I have explored so many different things that interest me but have never settled on one. I have tried my hand at photography,set decorating, food writing, dabbled in food styling, beauty writing. Then there have been all the odd jobs in between. When I started studying acting and going on auditions I promised myself that I would stick with it no matter what.

Why have I always had such a wandering soul? A wandering soul that always looks for a home. I’m envious of people who feel happy and settled. I’m envious of people whose careers have them going lots of places, doing lots of things. I want to suck the marrow out of life but have somehow never figured out how.

What is my answer? Another day goes by and my answers seem distant.
A few emails with my ex-boyfriend this afternoon have left my eyes swollen. I’m calling it. It is done. If only I had been more christian and him less religious and more spiritual. Something else must be in store but for now I’m just simply overwhelmed.