Archive for art

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on March 14, 2011 by ana

Last night I worked at a party for the Hammer Museum at the Brewery, an artist colony at an old brewery downtown. Leo had a friend who lived there and I always felt that the Brewery had this magnificent, spooky feel to it- part no man’s land, part hidden art oasis, part David Lynch, part Wim Wenders. I can’t think of any other way to describe it’s odd cinematic stillness.

The space where the party was at was mind-blowing. First it was huge. It had a studio the size of most people’s apartments, a separate gallery space, a library, and the living space of the owners. The dinner was held at the studio, which was one of the most inspiring and fantastic places I have been in a long time. The walls where lined with work- huge collages and mobile like sculptures. The collages really did a number on me. I have always made collages, most of my journals are filled with them. My work in school evolved from photographs to artist’s books filled with photographic collages. First, his collages were the size of walls, easily eight feet high and twenty feet across. Just the thought of making a collage that big is electrifying. The the space itself, the gigantic ceilings, the shelves full of glitter, gold pins, feather, magazines, and paint tubes. Swoon! I had forgotten that I have always dreamed of having a studio to work in.

Posted in friends with tags on March 8, 2011 by ana

I’ve been feeling really run down. Everyone at work has been under the weather. Guess it was bound to be my turn. I’ve been sort of burning the candle at both ends. It’s so frustrating because there is so much I want to do but my body is screaming for rest.

Last Monday I decided I needed to stop smoking. I’m not really a smoker, I quit when I was 27. But over the years I’ve gotten into the habit of smoking with old friends and when I’ve had a few drinks. Last week I realized I’ve been smoking much, much more than the occasional ciggie. There is nothing like heartache to make a girl want to smoke. It makes me sad. I do love me a cigarette but it is time to let go of them. There are better things to channel my energy on.

Yesterday was a very productive day even if I was really starting to feel like shit. I had a two hour meeting with my writing partner. Our screenplay is chugging along and I’m really excited about it. I love collaborating with someone else- the way ideas get bounced around and fuel each other is incredibly exciting to me. The first person I ever wrote with was Leo, and we worked really well together. It was exhilarating to stow ourselves away for days and write. It was part of what made our relationship so amazing. I never thought that I would be someone who could collaborate. That it is perhaps my favorite way to work comes as a great surprise to me. And to find a new writing partner so quickly in my friend Wila is icing on the cake.

Wila and I have known each other since we were twenty-one. We’ve shared beds in Brooklyn and Paris, and have always helped the other solve her problems- financial, romantic, familiar. Together we have learned to live in our own skin.

There is this tangible excitement in my life right now that I never want to go away. I am so much more in my feelings than in my head. I am much more aware of what I want, and I am hungry for more. More work, more love, more being in the here and now. In my relationship with Leo I was always afraid to ask for what I wanted. Not in the day to day, not in bed but in the bigger picture. I was afraid to want more. I don’t think the outcome would have been any different had I been able to ask for that which I didn’t know I wanted but deep down did, but I now know that that is the biggest lesson that has come out of it for me.

Earlier today I watched a documentary on Sam Wagstaff and Robert Mapplethorpe. I am often surprised by the deep love I have for photography. I don’t know why I’m surprised by it. I transferred from a really good college to go to art school in New York because I desperately wanted to study photography. I always say that by the time the four years were done I’d fallen out of love with it but maybe that is not true. My therapist says I have a crisis of faith and I think she is right. There is a part of me that doesn’t believe I’m talented. I feel that I could write a book, that I could write a screenplay or take a few great photographs but that I could never sustain that talent, that the creativity will run out. Intellectually I know that the more you work that talent and creativity the more it expands. Yet the thing that constantly holds me back is this fear that if I finish something I will be scrapping the bottom of the creativity barrel. I don’t think I am the only person to ever have creative doubts but I think some people ignore them better than I have been able to. The documentary had some of Robert Mapplethorpe’s gorgeous photographs of Patti Smith. Her presence is so strong and confident yet from her book I know that she felt very insecure. She just persevered. To hear her voice too- there is a clip of her reading a poem when she was very young, and her voice is so frail, then there is an interview with her later and her voice is strong, and confident. She maybe kookier looking but she is a grand dame with a voice full of presence.

risky business and horoscopes

Posted in reading with tags on March 6, 2011 by ana

Today is one of those days where I’m simply not getting out of bed until I absolutely have to. I made a cup of coffee and climbed back in with my computer, an Elle UK, and three books I want to finish reading.

I’m filled with lust over someone I can’t have- at least not now. It’s slightly torturous to feel something so lovely. I constantly have to remind myself to put it in a back burner somewhere, and just cross my fingers and try to forget that it’s there.

Sometimes the only thing that helps is a little retail therapy. It has come to pass that I often find myself looking at expensive underwear online. In part it feels like an auspicious move- any new beginning certainly must include new, hot underpinnings. But I also have to ask myself is Agent Provocateur helping me stay in the moment or is it just feeding the growing fantasy over my charming, hot, and smart lust man. But it’s not just that. Clothes are a major part of everything in my life from the day-to-day inspiration to the creatively imagined reveries. I buy soft white t-shirts, leopard print flats, a slim pencil skirt, and tissue-thin black shorts with magnolia blossoms to sleep in. I’m thrilled to be wearing my new things just as much as I’m enjoying imagining myself in them this summer in Italy.

I would love a fling. (I suspect you already knew that!) There is nothing I can do about it. If it is what I really need then I’ll get it. That is how it has always happened in the past-unexpectedly. I know this is a period of time just for me- to meditate, to drive aimlessly, to mend my heart, to write. But I also don’t want to be passive. I was so passive in my relationship with Leo. He would always say-in regards to us- you have to let things unfold, and I believed him. I still somewhat believe that. But you can’t just let things unfold because if you just wait for them to unfold the moment might just pass you. You have to seize the opportunities- you have to unwrap them rather than unfold them. Which brings me back to my lust, which I want to unwrap- but perhaps is wiser to let unfold.

Walter Mercado said that in 2011 to conquer in love I had to be patient and disciplined. Reading Walter’s horoscopes on December 31 is one of my most long standing New Year’s eve traditions. I have several. During the day I always try to have lunch with my dad at the Plaza del Mercado, a market four blocks away from my apartment in PR. In that area there is usually at least one person selling tuberose. I always buy a bunch to put by my bed and to give to my mom and/or my sisters. If my cousin is in town we usually try to get a last minute hair or nail appointment to no avail and end up at the drugstore buying mascara. This is an unofficial tradition that we’ve had since I was in the sixth grade. After lunch with my dad I usually go in search of the newspaper so I can read my Walter Mercado horoscope for the year. I love Walter. He is the Liberace of horoscopes. I took it as a personal wink from the universe that he was on my plane home from PR after these past holidays. In the past, when my grandmother was still alive, I would walk over to her apartment and read our horoscopes out loud. When she still had her wits about her she would laugh whenever he would give her a horoscope about sex or love.

And since we are talking New Year’s eve my last little thing that I like to do is write on my hips or torso with a sharpee a word or two for the new year. Nothing huge just little wishes like LOVE, ART, CELEBRATION to carry with me all night long.

This year so far is living up to its wishes. Is it possible to fall in love with your life? To have no idea where you are going but be happy and in love with no one but yourself?

New York was like a mini survey of my life. Streets, corner stores and store fronts are filled with memories. This is where I went to school (21st Street), this is where I kissed so-and-so (Seventh Ave. South), this is where Coco and I stopped in our tracks laughing (all over the city), this is where I had my first job after art school (25th street), this where Jones and I broke up (staircase in Union Square heading to the L), etc.

There is this brilliant English psychic that I have seen for years (LA does that to you.) And she always says that when multiple people or things from the past crop up seemingly out of nowhere you are closing one chapter and beginning another. I had forgotten that she had said that until my friend Milly described my weekend as filled with the ghosts of boyfriends past. It was really quite sweet to see two different loves from my past and to have mini exchanges with them both. One was someone I truly, truly adored and the other a decadent, loving mini-fling. They both hold such dear places in my heart and it was a little gift to hear that I did the same for them. I love when life is sweet like that.

At the airport coming home it felt like things had come full circle because I was so happy this time around. The last time I was at JFK I cried all over the terminal and all the way home. It was horrible. I think I knew then without knowing- it was the beginning of the end. I saw it all unravel as I sat next to Leo on the plane. I couldn’t handle it so I cried. We had just had such a marvelous time in Spain. This time around I marveled at how much lighter everything felt. How much easier. How much more me. This woman, this life coach, I talked to recently said- sometimes your life has to unravel so you can stand in your proper place. Those words could not have been more fitting.