Archive for acting

Fear, emails and some Charlie Rose

Posted in friends with tags , on May 9, 2011 by ana

Recently Charlie Rose had Richard Serra as guest on his TV show. “Is space the best thing you understand?” Charlie asked him.
“I think so,” Richard Serra answered. “Yes for sure. I always have. It’s always been what I am most curious about.”
“Curious about and understand most,” Charlie pointed out.
To which Richard Serra said, “I think if you are curious it leads you to understanding.”

Today is the first time since I started writing here that I’m making myself do it as opposed to wanting to or needing to and this brings up some scary feelings for me. My biggest obstacle in life is follow through. I have a tendency to give up on things. I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I really,  really don’t. Funny thing is now that I’m writing it feels great to be sitting here, at the dining table, doing it. This is my priority right now, to write and continue to grow the voice that I have found.

I  emailed Nai this morning: I’m thick in the heart of my therapy workshop and it is stirring up a lot of stuff for me. Not even stuff about Leo but more about me, and having follow through, and my dreams and wishes. I don’t want to be in trying to become mode anymore. I haven’t had an audition in months and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I may not even want one. Well that’s not true. I’m just so much more at home being myself in my art. The blog is so effortless. It’s work, hard work but effortless.

And she wrote back: You said, “I am so much more at home being myself in my art”. That’s huge. Write, write, write and see what else you uncover. Maybe the acting classes were to help find your voice and just that… That’s also huge! Don’t focus on what you aren’t and instead keep trying to discover who you are.

I told her that I thought the acting classes had helped me become more confident and a better writer. I’m fascinated by acting. It’s very me to give up on things. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I never think of all the different things I’ve done as the things I had to do to get to where I want to be. Most of the time it has been easier to see them as failures but I want to find what it is that I’m really good at. What I can establish myself in so that all those things I have been curious about will be clearly part of the road I had to walk. One of the biggest longings in my heart is just that- clarity. Always in the back of my head is the nagging question. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? What will I be? Summer is almost here. Will I know by fall? Will it take a little longer. What if I never know. There has to be a resolution but I’m scared that we are almost half way through the year, and I don’t know.

luckiest girl

Posted in breakfast with tags , , on December 6, 2010 by ana

I have been camping out at my friend’s hotel room since last night.

Last night was a fun and at the same time it was tough. Even if I know why things didn’t work it doesn’t mean it’s easy. It might make it a little easier but it still sucks, and there are many moments of just utter loss and devastation. In the past couple of days I’ve really begun to understand why the man who loves me and who I love couldn’t commit to me. The feeling has shifted from feeling rejected to feeling grounded. The love doesn’t change but I understand more. In some really concrete way I finally feel what I have only gotten glimpses of in the past- that it has really nothing to do with me.

Still, last night while at my acting teacher’s Christmas party I felt really sad. Someone asked me where I lived and I said Koreatown. When he asked me who I lived with I said my boyfriend. It felt funny but I didn’t want to say- with my cousin. Until a month ago I was a grown woman living in an amazing apartment with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I think the hardest, hardest part of the letting go is the rupture of my identity. I really felt comfortable being in love. I really adored being Leo’s girlfriend. I was pleased as punch about the life we lived together.
Now that all that is gone I feel fractured. And for as much as I want the loss, and love, and anger, and disbelief to change to what it will eventually be, I can not force myself to cherish. It will come when time has run it’s course but I know that is where I am headed.

The party was lovely. Candles where lit everywhere, and there were several fire pits. Big stainless steel pots were filled with sangria, and the air smelled of bonfire and cinnamon. Everyone looked so lovely. Everybody was good-looking. Everybody was at least fourteen years younger than me. I left feeling the magic of the twinkle but also a little uneasy. It was a feeling that followed me to the next party. I was trying to put it in words but I couldn’t quite get it. I think in the end it all boils down to not being entirely sure how I feel about my teacher or my class. I don’t know if it’s me- how vulnerable I feel or that the things I’m working in class have hit a nerve. Everyone is really nice, people do great work but I miss the tight sense of community from my old acting studio, and I miss my old teacher who taught me Alexander Technique. He really saw me. There is something about my current teacher that I can’t put my finger on.

It was a magical evening. I love always finding the magic in things, and it’s easy this time of year with so much festivity. I know that if someone can only see one side of me and not all the wonderful and complex things that I am, well that is beyond my control, that has nothing to do with me. Earlier yesterday, I did a new age kind of workshop with a friend. One of the things that they kept repeating was- what people think of you is none of your business. I know that I’m always concerned that people don’t always see me for me. Some people only see the sweetness or the self-consciousness but I’m really beginning to feel my wholeness more and more. And I hope that this wholeness truly releases me from caring. It certainly is helping me answer a question that I have always felt ill-equipped to answer; who am I?

Who am I? I am a 37 year old woman who loves to cook, and write, and act. I keep notebooks full of collages and photographs. I love clothes, and shoes, and handbags. I love the people that I love passionately be it friend or lover. I am generous sister, a loyal friend, and a thoughtful daughter. I am a giving girlfriend when I’m in a relationship. I am creative, and lionhearted, and lovely. I always remember a face. I pay attention to detail. I love to celebrate and entertain. And I am slowly becoming a bold lady. Bolder than I have ever been. The road has brought me here. And here is Sunday night. I have just had a massage in the hotel, and I had waffles in bed with one of my best friends for breakfast. Who I am is a girl holding aces.

The long and winding road

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 18, 2010 by ana

The cold, the flu, whatever it is continues. I have the chills, my body aches and my head feels like a balloon full of helium. My heart and mind are more confused than ever. There are pockets of lightness and pockets of depression. I feel paralyzed today. Maybe the staying in bed is making everything come to the surface.

I’m so confused. Last Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I had a three hour cryfest in my car while driving around, parking, and driving around some more and parking again. The streets were quiet, empty, except for the lone dog-walker or car. It was peaceful and some of the houses were already decked in Christmas lights. It was a painful, heart breaking conversation, meant to be a break up in my part but now it seems we are in yet another limbo. I have been here before the conversational part of a break up, the bleeding heart, the weepy confessionals.

It was supposed to be a break up, a period but instead it was a dot, dot, dot. His words not mine. I feel that I fell into a boy trap to the tune of Kim Wilde’s You Keep Me Hangin’ On. I can’t even begin to sum up the conversation I was so caught up in a delirium of tears but two things he said keep ringing in my head-I feel like an asshole and later those six years were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Me too, which is why it’s so weird to be here now-distraught and confused pushing forward trying to figure out where to land.

I can’t wait to go home for Christmas to break away and get a little clarity. I’m carving a new adventure. My dad keeps saying he wants to open a bakery/deli. I could come home and do that, that would be an adventure but it would also be giving up on dreams I have been working really hard on. I long to be home. I long to be based there but not trapped there. I long to find my true calling. Is it running a wonderful bakery with my dad? I love to cook. I love to entertain. Is it here? Pursuing acting, writing. Would I be happy raising a family so far away from mine?

I have explored so many different things that interest me but have never settled on one. I have tried my hand at photography,set decorating, food writing, dabbled in food styling, beauty writing. Then there have been all the odd jobs in between. When I started studying acting and going on auditions I promised myself that I would stick with it no matter what.

Why have I always had such a wandering soul? A wandering soul that always looks for a home. I’m envious of people who feel happy and settled. I’m envious of people whose careers have them going lots of places, doing lots of things. I want to suck the marrow out of life but have somehow never figured out how.

What is my answer? Another day goes by and my answers seem distant.
A few emails with my ex-boyfriend this afternoon have left my eyes swollen. I’m calling it. It is done. If only I had been more christian and him less religious and more spiritual. Something else must be in store but for now I’m just simply overwhelmed.