I can hear you through the floorboards!

My upstairs neighbors have been fighting all morning. I went to lunch, came back and they are still at it. I hear them stomping, yelling at each other, the closet door sliding back and forth. It’s hard to tell what they are saying but their voices accuse and defend. Back and forth, back and forth, then it goes quiet and starts up again. It makes me kind of anxious. I’m so glad that is not my reality right now. I don’t know who my neighbors are. I don’t know if this is what they’re like when they have a row but from downstairs it sounds monumental. The building shakes. The again the building shakes when ever a truck goes by or someone treads heavily. Sometimes it feels like a mini quake, and I worry that the building is flimsy and will collapse on me.

Yesterday I drove through Koreatown. I don’t like to ever think of Koreatown- how I felt when I moved there and when I left. The life I could have had there. Leo and I had applied for the apartment and didn’t get it. I felt for sure it was meant to be our home and a month later the landlord called to say the other tenants, a couple, had moved out. The girl had left the guy. Ha! Foreshadowing, anyone? Guess that apartment was jinxed. Except Leo still lives there. Leo and I had some big fights. I don’t think they were anything like my neighbors but it’s hard to tell when you are on the inside of the fight. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world when you are going at it with someone you love. When you feel some injustice has been done. The last months of our relationship Leo and I had these colossal, draining discussions. I would be happy¬† never to revisit how they felt ever again but he fight upstairs reminded me of how I felt during that time. As I sat on my floor folding laundry I also felt grateful and relieved that the decision to leave and the majority of the pain that came with it was behind me.

On the drive home from work I thought how sometimes it can be really hard to tell what your relationship is truly like and where it’s going. In all my major relationships the end came rather swiftly and perhaps somewhat unexpectedly. None of them though were as solid and tender as my last one. That one really did have the potential to go the distance. But every single time I have been able to look back and see why they didn’t work. What seems confusing now is that while I was in them, living them, I believed in that union whole-heartedly. So, I guess the question is how do you ever know? And I guess the answer is you never really do. People change, their needs change but you just have to trust that their commitment and love will not waiver.