Aha!

Monday afternoon I met my friend Vee for coffee near my apartment. After a long conversation filled with mini moments of excitement and insecurity about the future I felt invigorated and like myself again. Sometimes I just get too in my head! I drove to Hollywood where I met up with Stevie and her man to check out wedding invites at my friend’s press.  And then we went to Hungry Cat for drinks and snacks. On the drive to the restaurant I felt something I hadn’t in awhile- the energy of Los Angeles as a city, which often feels to escape me. I felt happy and excited in general and for Stevie. I simply can not wait for her wedding. Not only because it’s going to be the party of the year (even if it is still over a year away) but because she’s marrying someone I adore almost, almost as much as her. As she was discussing the invites for a brief moment I thought- will this moment come for me? Not so much because I doubt that I will meet someone suited for me but because a wedding at this moment seems like such an abstract concept. A wedding, marriage has often seemed somewhat conceptual and intangible to me. But as I was there with Steves I realized that I just feel that way because I’ve probably in my heart of hearts have never met someone I could truly embark in that adventure with.

I was telling my mom the other day that my good friend is having a baby. I was telling her that Steves was getting married. And she said, “I guess you will always be a late bloomer in everything.”
I know she’s right but lately I’ve come to realize that this has its advantages. Which doesn’t mean that it isn’t a struggle and that it doesn’t suck at times. I am elated that my friends are having babies and getting married and getting dream jobs. Slowly I am starting to see that everything that I have done and the pace at which it has happened has led me to this moment. And though my heart still aches a little (or a lot every once in awhile), I feel grounded and I can’t say that is something that I have always been familiar.

Here, now, writing this post with the birds chirping outside and the cool air holding the promise of a warm afternoon this late blooming thing makes perfect sense. Yes, sometimes it seems like nothing is happening. Often I want to scream with my head buried in my pillow out of frustration. But when Alicia asked me last night how my workshop went over the weekend I realized just how different things are. For so long I had let the things I deemed failures (because in hindsight I could have done more or done them different) hold me back.  Now something had shifted, and I feel a sense of pride and kindness towards my life.  I realized that my struggles to be clearly seen and heard, the battles with my body and with food, and the dance that I had always done to be true to myself and still feel accepted by my family had led me to a deeper understanding of myself and my place in the world. It sounds so dramatic to type it out but so often I have felt left out or like I didn’t fit in. It is earth shattering to finally see that none of it is a measure of worth. And the current, that runs through everything now, the kernel of truth that I’ve slowly come to know in my bones is how often writing save us.