Fear, emails and some Charlie Rose

Recently Charlie Rose had Richard Serra as guest on his TV show. “Is space the best thing you understand?” Charlie asked him.
“I think so,” Richard Serra answered. “Yes for sure. I always have. It’s always been what I am most curious about.”
“Curious about and understand most,” Charlie pointed out.
To which Richard Serra said, “I think if you are curious it leads you to understanding.”

Today is the first time since I started writing here that I’m making myself do it as opposed to wanting to or needing to and this brings up some scary feelings for me. My biggest obstacle in life is follow through. I have a tendency to give up on things. I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I really,  really don’t. Funny thing is now that I’m writing it feels great to be sitting here, at the dining table, doing it. This is my priority right now, to write and continue to grow the voice that I have found.

I  emailed Nai this morning: I’m thick in the heart of my therapy workshop and it is stirring up a lot of stuff for me. Not even stuff about Leo but more about me, and having follow through, and my dreams and wishes. I don’t want to be in trying to become mode anymore. I haven’t had an audition in months and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I may not even want one. Well that’s not true. I’m just so much more at home being myself in my art. The blog is so effortless. It’s work, hard work but effortless.

And she wrote back: You said, “I am so much more at home being myself in my art”. That’s huge. Write, write, write and see what else you uncover. Maybe the acting classes were to help find your voice and just that… That’s also huge! Don’t focus on what you aren’t and instead keep trying to discover who you are.

I told her that I thought the acting classes had helped me become more confident and a better writer. I’m fascinated by acting. It’s very me to give up on things. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I never think of all the different things I’ve done as the things I had to do to get to where I want to be. Most of the time it has been easier to see them as failures but I want to find what it is that I’m really good at. What I can establish myself in so that all those things I have been curious about will be clearly part of the road I had to walk. One of the biggest longings in my heart is just that- clarity. Always in the back of my head is the nagging question. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? What will I be? Summer is almost here. Will I know by fall? Will it take a little longer. What if I never know. There has to be a resolution but I’m scared that we are almost half way through the year, and I don’t know.