An empty handed leap

There have been lots of ups and downs this week. Plus, I’ve gained a little weight which never helps make anyone feel great. Add that to the ten pounds I’ve been wanting to shed forever but I’m never disciplined or committed enough to do. It’s frustrating. There is no better example of my lack of follow through that I can think of than that. It becomes a vicious, obsessive cycle I never break from. But I think it can be approached another way. Not dieting or exercising every single day. But taking dance classes, meditating, and eating mindfully. It all comes back to the same struggle that holds me back from all the things I want- being present, being in my body, being more in touch with my emotions and less in my head and not giving up.

After a weekend of work, wine, and therapy I woke up late today feeling blue. I keep telling myself- there will be a point later on where this moment in your life will make better sense, where you will see how everything worked itself out. Right now I don’t see it at all. I just keep showing up. I just keep getting up and dusting myself off because there is no other option. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I know there is one and that it is closer than I think. I don’t know how anything is going to work out- where I will end up living, if I’ll meet someone else and fall in love, if I will find a new job and/or career that will be creatively and financially fulfilling. I am so over being a waitress. It has been a great job in so many ways. It has given me lots and lots of time to take acting classes, to write, to explore anything that interests me. There is no other job I can think of that gives you good money for the amount of time you invest in it. No other job you can leave behind at the end of the day. I’ve also become a better cook working there. I’ve learned to make a perfect omelet and hack apart a chicken. But I’m done, I don’t want the gossip, the erratic personalities. I don’t want to wait because that is what it feels like in a sense, like life is on pause somehow.

Last night I dreamt that I was looking for a way to get an apartment in New York. For as much as I want to be back east I’m also scared of moving back to New York. I know I don’t have to decide today but I know that the thought is always there. Even my unconscious mind is preoccupied with it. A few days ago I thought- I will know, when the time is right, I will know. I got this feeling that things would be different in the fall around my birthday. I want to walk with that feeling. I want that confidence, that faith. Maybe my friend Vanessa is right. “Trust in the universe right now. I really, wholeheartedly,think this is the precipice to a transformation for you.” I know what she says is true but what do I have to do to feel that way in the days when I don’t quite feel it? Nicki once said to me, “the bird trusts itself to the wind.” I took a leap and now I must just trust. I guess is not a matter of knowing but believing.