Tuesday: a three girl advice kind of day

How do you find your career when you are not a career girl? I’m sick of being a waitress, of all the little dramas and gossip of working in a restaurant. I’m sick of not knowing where I’m going, of feeling like I’m on the plane waiting to take off and being delayed.

Today I went to lunch with my cousin, Rafael, the one whose house I’ve been living in rent free, and who is like a dad to me. I realize how good I have it. My friend Nai always says- you must have stepped on shit to be so lucky. And it’s true I always land somewhere and on my two feet. Why do I feel so scared then? Why have I been freaking out for the last three days? What do I mean when I say that I want things to fall into place?

My cousin asked me what my deadline to decide what I’m doing with my life was and that just sent me into serious panic mode. He and I have had conversations like this before, they always make me panicky. His advice is always the same- to get an entry level job somewhere where there is room to grow. A non-profit he suggests. I think we just come from different perspectives. He wants me to have benefits and I don’t want to suffocate. A desk job is not for me. Unless it is a writing desk. What is the right place for me? I don’t know but I feel like I have been searching for a long time. Maybe I’ve been going about it the wrong way. Things feel different now but are they.

There has been change, mostly personal. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I want to have a baby, that I want to be married. That I want that kind of commitment. There is a part of me that has always wanted that but then there has always been a part of me that has felt uncomfortable with it as well. There are some people in my life who think I’m boy crazy but I’m not. I wish I was. I wish there was some lovely man to have a fling with. If I am man crazy it is in the way that someone who has spent equal amounts of her adult life in relationships and alone can be. It is as someone who has dated, who has loved, who has had her share of flings and heartache and fun. A huge part of me has enjoyed being on my own but I also feel ready for a deeper kind of communion. That desire didn’t disappear just because my relationship did.

More than anything the disintegration of my relationship has made me rethink how I want to live, and how I want to love. It’s made me really aware of my emotions and the power that being awake to them and my needs bring. I have almost always shied away from some of my feelings. Withheld them out of fear, out of wanting to be liked, out of wanting to please. I’m not saying all that is gone but now I am more aware.

Today I felt miserable but tonight I feel okay, better than okay. I went to a dance class, a very sexy dance class, and literally danced my ass off and got a lap dance. It was hard to concentrate because I kept thinking about my woes but something about how loud the music was and all the prancing and twirling did me good.

When I got out of class I checked my messages and Alicia had called. I had thought about her during class. And as usual she was solace and love. I’m doing this really intense seven month therapy workshop called Revelations. It’s like diving from the high board into your shadows. It has been amazing and I’m sure life changing. My sister and Alicia both took the workshop. Alicia said, “commit to the workshop. Don’t do anything until it is done. It’s the only thing that matters right now. Do extra work. If they ask you to write a poem, write a play.” I had told myself that I wouldn’t make any decisions until the workshop was over but the truth is that deep down I’ve known for awhile that it is going to take me longer than the workshop to make any concrete decision. I had already made up my mind to take the rest of the year. It may not take me a whole year or it may take me a little longer but I’m going to try and not beat myself up about it.

I need to recommit to my goals. It’s mid-March and I’ve been slacking. Not in everything but in some. At the beginning of the year I made a promise to myself abut being picky. Picky about what I read, what I watch, what I eat, what I listen to and I’ve found myself slowly meandering back to my favorite gossip sites and reading more magazines than books. I want to dive deeper into my workshop and continue deepening my relationship with being present. God knows I am one girl in a sea of daydream.

Earlier in the day I talked with my cousin Carolina. She gave me some really great advice about moving to NY. In case I haven’t mentioned it before my whole family wants me to move back to the east coast. Carolina told me to make a list of all the people I know in NY that could help me find a job and to call them. That seems so scary but it makes perfect sense. I told her I had to sit with that one for awhile. The thought of asking for work terrifies me, stupefies me, makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I told Carolina that I would rather sing “La Boriqueña”, Puerto Rico’s national anthem, in front of 500 people.

Tonight before I came home to finish writing this post I met my sister for a quick bite at Malo. Sometimes a girl needs her arsenal and today was a three friend advice kind of day. Sore and hungry from my class and happy to be near someone I can hug and squeeze, we sat at the bar and shared some fish tacos and drank margaritas. Hers with salt and mine without. Lela said some really wise things to me. It’s really pretty great to get useful advice from your younger sister. It really makes me feel like a mom with a grown up daughter, which when you are thirteen years older than your sister is kind of what you are. Lela told me how she thought that during revelations you had, well, some revelations about your self but that it wasn’t until after that you really had constant aha! moments. Both Alicia and Lela said- you are in the thick of it just go with it. My sister also pointed out something so true. She said I make changes and expect instant results and when I don’t get them I give up. Commit to the writing. Commit to Revelations. Stick it out. I don’t know if those were her exact words but that is how they stuck in my head.

One Response to “Tuesday: a three girl advice kind of day”

  1. mariacristinayogi Says:

    Bella- gracias mil por este entry tan lindo. Sigue ahi! You can do it. Commit fully. I love you.