NYC Seranade

Took a short trip to NY. Still here, actually. I can’t sleep. I have really bad allergies. Or is it a cold? Or is it a sinus thing? I don’t feel horrible but I don’t feel great. It hasn’t stopped me from having a great time. Still, I’ve been craving this. I miss the writing. I also miss the dance classes and the workouts back home. I miss the feeling they leave me with- the moving, the shaking, the sweatiness of it. I was thinking about it in bed before I got up to write.

This year is all about me. I don’t feel like I can make any decisions about anything in the future. Right now I just want to be a bit of a hermit, I want to be cocooned, I want to dive in to me. If I were a book right now my title could be Write, Sweat, Sleep. Because that is really all I want to do with a little reading thrown in. Not that I haven’t enjoyed going out, I have, but I’m craving something else right now.

Should I read Eat, Pray, Love? Would it speak to me? Is it cheesy to read it now because I’m going through a break up? I had no interest in that book before. Am I more interested in it now because I’m writing this? The thought of reading it also intimidates me for that reason. But then the other day I thought- Bill Cunningham took amazing photographs of street fashion way before Scott Schuman did but that doesn’t make The Sartorialist any less fabulous and wonderful to look at. Each thing has its own value.

So, it’s not only this sinusy-allergy thing that’s been keeping me up. Now a days when I start thinking too much about the future I panic. This is not the usual me. I have always been a planer. But that just feels so wrong right now. For as much as I know that I will have to make some decisions about my future at some point, that I can’t stay at my cousin’s forever, that I need to forge a better career than the lovely hodge-podge I do right now of waitressing, writing, translating, and auditioning. I also know I am exactly where I need to be and things will change when they are supposed to. I have to remind myself of that A LOT. This moment, this new chapter of my life is all about staying present and showing up. That is the only thing that I really want and need right now. That is where I am at.

It has been incredibly satisfying to be in NY. There was someone I really wanted to see during my trip that I may regret not seeing but the timing is not right. NY has been perfect as it has been. Sunny, chilly, but not, to my relief, as cold as I imagined it would be. The highlights have been spending lots of time with Coco, spending the day with my little sister, and seeing an old friend, an old love, who I had lost touch with. There were a couple of days of heavy, NY drinking, and some sweet, sexy kisses with a friend of a friend.

I also went to The Breslin a few times. It may be my favorite new bar even if they had Arcade Fire on heavy rotation and I almost fell apart telling Coco how Leo and I listened to them all through out our break up. And how the night we went to see their show I knew in my heart we were done and I cried almost the whole night. That night may have been the hardest night of my life. I was standing next to him, and I knew how much I loved him, and I knew that we wouldn’t be together for much longer. I knew that night that he would never choose me and that I had to go. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

So will I move back to NY? I don’t know. There was a moment when I was getting breakfast with my sister at Veselka that I saw myself moving back. But I also love LA so much. I just don’t know.