I’m back in LA after a really sweet, fun holiday. The ups and downs have become more ups than downs though I suspect there are still some tears stuck inside me ready to spring.

I was gone for two weeks but it felt like a month. I haven’t had a Christmas like this one in eight or nine years. I came home last night and was glad I had moved all my things out of the Koreatown apartment before I left. The stuff that remains, the table, the chair, I’m still not sure what to do with. I’ve come back with a lot of plans filling up my head.

The time spent at home was exactly what I needed. The two weeks were filled by a three hour breakfast with cousins, and long lunches and dinners with more cousins and aunts and uncles. I spent time with dad and watched Pride & Prejudice with my mom. I bought tuberose on the street and visited my dearest friends. There were nights filled with champagne, and nights filled with rum. There were quick, and much desired, kisses after a birthday party at the beach, and auspicious New Year’s kisses as the sun came up on January first. It felt fabulous to be kissed to have a few boys pay attention to me.

It was cold the whole time I was there. I made it to the beach once for two hours and the tide was so high that there were only about 15 feet of sand to stretch out in. But the cold made it sort of special and cozy. I took a long walk in the rain on the first and stared at the beach in awe, falling in love. The sky in Puerto Rico always kills me.

And somewhere in that two week space I realized that I live too far from home. That I love my life in Los Angeles but I miss the east coast, and I miss Puerto Rico. That feeling was always there. I would often ask Leo if he would ever think of moving but back then it just didn’t seem like a smart career move. For him perhaps but maybe not for me. Things are really bubbling inside me. I’m giving myself sometime to think it all out but change is in the air and it’s exciting.