Separation

When all the signs on the road point towards exit, how do you even begin to separate your life from someone else’s? And when that person seems completely unaware that the end is eminent is that easier or more difficult. I feel incredibly alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love me and who want nothing but to see me happy. My dad asked me the other night, who is your best friend here? Then he said, because you are going to need them.

It’s hard to let go of all the hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let go of the idea that this man and I were starting a new home, and that this home will never be. It’s hard to think of who we were before we moved, and how much we wanted this new home. What happened?

I miss the sense of well being I felt in my relationship, the comfort, the love. We always laughed a lot and life often felt exciting and special. I’m not saying that these are things I only felt in my relationship, I have felt all these things when I have been on my own. What made it remarkable was to be able to have them with someone else. And I foolishly thought that was the sign, the clue that meant that what we had was exceptional.

But now, apart, I also think of all the things I had to put up with. All the things that held me back because for as fun and loving and lovely as my boyfriend was he really wasn’t a walk in the park. He has a bunch of annoying neuroses that have been bubbling in the last few years, he has a hard time respecting boundaries and being present to other people’s time and needs. And at the end of the day I’ve realized that things have mostly revolved around his needs, his views. And that the way he sees the world is very different from me. He lives in fear and I do my best to look at why things scare me. When I think about all this it makes me angry. It makes me question the past six years. It makes me wonder if he really loved me as much as I though he did or if I simply confused the fact that he enjoyed me and cared for me as love.

Little by little things become a little clearer even if the steps to take feel completely alien.