Like a piece of gum stuck to a shoe

I woke up this morning practically in tears and have not stop crying since. I feel so much despair. My life is in chaos. I feel that a break-up is eminent but I don’t know how it is going to go down. Why don’t I just get up and leave? Because I tend to do that when things don’t go my way? Because we are in therapy? Because I’m afraid? I think I secretly know that things will feel much better once we break-up but I love him, and I still harbor some hope.

I said all this to my boyfriend this morning, and he tried to cheer me up. He said his life was in chaos too. I know his life is in chaos too. It’s weird he’s gotten more parking tickets this month than he has in all the time we’ve been together. I cried, we hugged, and he asked we give it a little longer. Fine. But I think I know in my heart of hearts that nothing will change. I feel so tricked! By life not by him. By me. How could I not see any of this? Did I really believe that we would end up together, that somehow one day he would wake up and say this is it. I miss those moments when we looked into each others eyes and felt so in love. I had so much faith in those blissed out moments. I felt so safe in them.

Yesterday was one of the hardest nights I’ve had in a long time. I have been feeling pretty horrible on and off for awhile now so that tells you just how bad it was. It felt like I was borderline of a panic attack. So many insecurities were swimming in me and the self-loathing and self-doubt were high.

The day started intensely with our couple’s therapy. Among the many things we talked about were my self-esteem issues and how they play out within the dynamics of our relationship. I have been working on my self-esteem stuff really hard for some time now. The low self-esteem is so deep rooted I often don’t see it but it informs everything. It drives me bananas because I don’t always feel it but I know people pick up on it. It’s the energy behind everything. It comes through when I look at my audition tapes. It’s what people pick up on when they say I’m shy. I try to pretty it up but it’s always there and I feel like now is like the battle of my life. Like if I don’t shine a light on it it will continue to torture me forever.

I hashed a lot of this at lunch with a Alicia at M cafe. Who said, “the word confidence means to walk with faith.” My therapist also said something similar. She said the opposite of doubt is faith and faith is our connection to the divine. Why do I have so much doubt in myself? I don’t think I always did. Or at least at times I have kept it under better wraps.

It’s like my thighs. I go out of my way to hide their meatiness, their cellulite but in doing so I have also never embraced my figure, which is curvy, which is nice. There is something very bombshell about feeling truly loving towards your body. And I want that. It’s not in the workouts but in truly adoring and showing off my body that it shines. I know I have to find that place in me not only about my body but about myself. I know that if I can hold myself in high esteem, if I can truly believe in me, there is nothing that I won’t be able to do. On the surface I truly like and appreciate who I am, and I don’t know quite how to change it at the core. How to heal the old wounds that silently whisper I’m not quite as good as everyone else.

And that is what caused so much pain in me last night. The doubt that I will never have the savvy or the means to make enough money or stop being a waitress. The doubt that I don’t have whatever my co-worker has that helped him get a new better agent. The doubt that I can act and book work. And the nagging question of what it means to that wounded part of me to stay in a relationship were clearly a part of my partner can’t deal with loving me completely.