Back to life, back to reality

Woke up this morning with wine chapped lips and my makeup still on. Oh yeah, it was one of those nights. I had so much fun drinking wine and seeing my friends but by the time I got home that 6 hour drive back to LA and the 4 glasses of wine at Big bar had really gotten to me.

I woke up kind of sad. I hate that. I hate that moment when you open your eyes and just want to keep sleeping. Is this my new MO? Is this what life is going to be like for now, for awhile? When does it change? I feel that I am floating through space and have no idea when and where I will land. It’s scary. The only thing that feels really good and solid is writing this blog. Just laying it all out. Learning to be more in the me of me and not in my safe default mode.

I think I wrote before about using this blog to find my voice and I think until yesterday I thought that would be something that would somehow be finally given to me. Something that I would finally find like a coin on the road. One of the biggest blessings in my life has been how many close, amazing, intimate friendships I have. Yesterday, on the drive back I took a detour to have brunch with one of my dearest friends and her baby. This is a girl I have always had long talks with about how to be a strong, lovely, feisty woman. Deep in conversation with her I realized that finding the voice is about showing and loving the voice that is already there. Giving that voice love and room to breathe. I have been working so hard at becoming. It is hard to work to try and become something than to actually be. Maybe I just need to be the most dynamic, purposeful me, instead of trying so hard. Perhaps the coin on the road is just finding where the love for myself lives.