Saturday morning chilly and gray

The alarms went off at 7:30 am because we both forgot to deactivate them. I can’t go back to sleep but I’m going to try again. The weather is perfect for being in bed. I’m always grateful for my bed.

Usually, mornings are rough for me. It hasn’t always been that way-just in the last couple of months. Yesterday was tough until I went to therapy. It was a good session. She said that all those feelings of self-worth were always there but being in a rocky place in my relationship was making everything come to the surface. Awakenings are painful, she said. I left feeling renewed but now I’ve gone back to feeling the way I did before I went.

I feel like I’m giving birth to myself. When I was kid I would look at pregnant women and think-there is no getting out of it. That terrified me. Want it or not, that baby was coming out. There was no changing your mind. No saying-I’m going to keep the baby in forever. Those women would all have to go through labor. I feel that way- want it or not this is what I have to go through. As painful as it feels this may be the most important threshold of my life so far.

This new beginning, this new crossing is the one that comes from figuring out why I hold myself back, why I don’t always show people who I am, and why I find myself in a relationship with a man that after six years isn’t sure whether he wants to commit or not.

This relationship will either thrive or wither. I love this man and he loves me but we are at a crossroad. At least I am. No matter how much I tell him I don’t think he knows he also is. I keep thinking once this is settled all this other stuff that’s coming up inside me will start to fall in to place.

It’s hard to make a decision. In so many ways we fit.